Six Impossible Things

DATELINE:  January 31, 2011, 7:30pm

Our correspondent by the window reports that it is dark and eerily quiet.  The ground is wet and mostly frozen, but not so treacherous that I couldn’t walk to the back door in high heel boots.  The fauna is covered in a thin sheet of ice that glistens in the street lamps, but there is nothing falling from the sky - not our theatre major hopes, not our lottery dreams, not precipitation.  

Stay tuned, Erin Somerville, for all the news just 5 hours from your front door.

It starts running commercials for some terrifying Lifetime show about babies being born.

Congratulations!  $36 to you, you evil bastards.  

DATELINE:  1.31.11, 5:12pm

JENSCHUETZ, Midwest Defector, it is currently drizzling and cars are still driving at a normal rate of speed down Washington Ave.

Lee has left for the day because “who passes up a good excuse to leave early” and he “has to get cat litter”. 

(Note: all defectors out there who want to know what’s happening, please email or text me and I’ll send you personalized blog posts.  You can then print them out and bronze them or something.  Well, bronzing might be the wrong choice as that would obscure the printed material.  Pay someone to draw fancy calligraphy around it maybe?)

DATELINE:  January 31, 2011, 3:30pm

It was raining but now it’s not.

We’ll keep the windowless abreast of all the weather-related details as they emerge.

Live from the city streets of St. Louis, I’m updating you on the impending crisis brought by our nemesis Mother Nature.    

Current weather status:  dreary.  There is scant precipitation in the 63108 ZIP zone.  It seems to be getting darker in the last few minutes.  There are reports that Edwardsville is icy, but no one cares about 618ers.

Anticipated weather status:  colder.  That might just be because it’s the afternoon and things naturally get cooler when the sun isn’t out.  That could also explain the darkening.

Office environment: frequent window gazing.  Most claim they don’t think it’s going to get bad while secretly squirreling away their laptop cables and making plans to leave early because “people drive like maniacs when it’s dry outside”.

Coworkers who have already left:  5.

We’ll keep you updated on the region as conditions deteriorate.  

(Please note that I myself do not feel any dread regarding the impending weather and am rather mocking the incessant chatter regarding the storm from both internal and external forces.  STL held a press conference on the weather today.  A press conference on THE WEATHER.  If only we could get them to do that about North STL or maybe our crumbling schools.  These posts are intended to be silly and not to mislead those who might run out of their front door in stripper heels.)

I’ve spent the better part of the day watching British television.  

I am now watching your MTV offering entitled “Silent Library” and I have concluded that you are why we as a country are falling apart. Collegiate bros drinking fizzy hot dog water while being quiet? We are doomed. Oh wait. In this segment Octomom shoots babies at a bro. Yep. You’ve ruined us. Farewell global supremacy.

“Muffins!  I just took ‘em!” - Laura

“It looks like something you’d drink before a procedure.” - Erin

To try and explain, I’m at the Four Seasons in Vegas for work.  The first one is from my client who, as I do, hates to see banquet food go to waste.  The second is from our PPT girl chatting with Client Kathy about my Naked Green Machine juice.  

Yeah.  You gotta take the funny where you can get it.