Mary Lou Holmes, man, this is entirely true.
So a high school friend of mine just posted a status update indicating that he was snacking on pears and cheese. Because I love pears and cheese, and am avoiding organizing my office, I replied “God dammit, man. Get after it.” I’m 37 years old.
Moments later, I received a message from his older brother objecting to my “profanity” and indicating that I “will be guilty on Judgment Day and end up in Hell.” For real! And I’ve never met this guy! (Luckily, he provided some Bible quotes so I can clip-n-save-my-soul.)
What the fuck?
Now, I spent 16 years in Catholic schools, so “Thou Shalt Not Take The Lord’s Name In Vain” is something I’ve heard a time or two. And I’ve heard tons of nuns/priests/monks say “God dammit” in front of children. If you’ve ever met a Catholic, you know that’s the first commandment to go. It’s possible that, for all the problems our church has, we may inadvertently be onto something. Check it:
In his message, Evangelical Big Brother argues: “I wouldn’t use your mom’s name as a curse word, because that would offend you.” Well, that depends. When I say “God damn this spatula,” I’m not damning God, I’m asking God to send that spatula to hell for all eternity. If someone were to say “Mary Lou Holmes damn this spatula,” I would a) wonder how they knew my mother, b) suggest the Good Grips spatula, but ultimately c) laugh, because she doesn’t have that kind of power, dumbass.
But let’s assume someone were to say something totally nutsy like: “Mary Lou Holmes hates gay people, so you’d better vote yes on Proposition 8 so they can’t get married, otherwise she might fuck you up with her endless reserves of wrath and vengeance. How do I know? Oh, I was talking to her and she told me- I guess I know her better than you do.” I think that might offend me.
Maybe the definition of “in vain” in this case is not “to no purpose” but “proceeding from personal vanity.” As in, maybe you shouldn’t be throwing God’s name around to show off your moral superiority, because that’s not yours to judge.
Either way, I should spend less time on Facebook.
1. Things that should never happen: Movies being turned into musicals. The reverse is often just as true, but far less offensive.
2. Domo’s on the cover of the USA Today Life section next to the headline CELEBRITY BABIES How should their moms outfit them? Is USA Today suggesting that celebs should dress their children in Domo costumes? If so, I’m 100% in agreement.
3. There are a lot of mattresses on Craigslist. For some reason, this really creeps me out.
4. This perfume was a mistake.
This cannot be good.